We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
