operation have a gay friend backfired
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
