Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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