that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
