loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
