In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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