I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
