So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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