so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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