Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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