hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
