just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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