Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
