I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
