im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's official drugs can't kill me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
