my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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