I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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