my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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