What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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