I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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