I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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