You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
