Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
