i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i now understand why vodka
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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