Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
