Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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