Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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