I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
