My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
