Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
