I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
