She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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