I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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