it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
