i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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