Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
