i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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