The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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