ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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