$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
