P.S. I can't hear my feet
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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