I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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