last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
