I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
