Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
