I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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