I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I cut my penus on the lid.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
