My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
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you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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