It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
