i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
