I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
