Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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