The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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