About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
